Now that Terri has been martyred, and Scott is sentenced, TV and newspaper editors across the US are frantically looking for another meaningless human interest story. Here’s some ideas:

• Bring back Elian Gonzalez! Gonzalez, who was returned to Cuba after Madeleine Albright personally held him up at gunpoint, or something, is probably around 10 by now. If he hasn’t gotten into pot yet (yes, Culkin, I’m talking about you), he’s probably still cute as a button. The Navy Seals could invade his private school to remove him from the cruel propagandistic reaches of the evil dictator Castro, and bring him back to the US, where he could star in his own sitcom. (Elian in the Middle?)
• More focus on Jacko! The wacko monkey luvvin’ pop-star freak’s trial is bound to go his way, but in the meantime there’s plenty of angles to be worked. Interview school-children who have never met the man to see if they were molested! Feature outraged parents who fear Jackson’s influence on the nation.
• Dig up another murder trial with soap opera characteristics. Victim should be sympathetic, i.e. female, and ideally pregnant so that space can be used comparing the sad saga to the Petersons’.
• Find out what the Bush twins are up to. Ideally find photos of them mud-wrestling.
• Charles & Camilla? Admittedly they’re British, but they are royal. It’ll play pretty well.
• Focus on Terri for another three weeks. Work the funeral for all it’s worth.

Your ideas are sought! The nation’s media must be saved!

Update:

• Puppies! Everybody loves puppies!
  

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