In a turn of events that literally nobody could have predicted, Robert Mugabe has won the elections that took place last week in Zimbabwe with an overwhelming majority. For some mysterious reason, sourpusses in some of the opposition parties and even some western governments have declared the results to be suspicious.

Observers from neighboring African countries said in preliminary remarks that the election was open and transparent, but the U.S. State Department called it “seriously tainted.”

“Given everything that’s gone on during the whole election process, including some of the reports we’re getting now, it would be very hard to say that these are free and fair,” department press secretary Richard Boucher said.

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said the election was neither free nor fair, charging the “playing field was heavily tilted in the government’s favor.”

Alleged examples of rigging came in myriad forms, from dead people on voter rolls to extreme gerrymandering of districts to the simple miscounting of ballots in rural areas beyond the reach of independent election monitors. Even the supposedly indelible purple ink painted on the pinkies of voters to prevent them from casting multiple ballots was easily washed off.

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